“One of the most sincere forms of respect is actually listening to what another has to say”.

-Bryant H. McGill

Advances in technology by way of instant messaging and social media mean that we are communicating more, and with a greater number of people than perhaps ever before. With the swipe of a finger, we can see and hear what someone in another country is getting up to at any given time, and share our thoughts about everything from what we had for lunch to our political views and opinions. But as our ability and willingness to share information about ourselves with others seems to be growing, our ability to listen to others is in steady decline. If this trend continues, we will no doubt see a rise in unhealthy relationships of all kinds, and even larger rifts in society than the ones we are experiencing now.

Excessive Talking

When I was younger, I had a friend who I’ll call Ryan. I liked Ryan a lot, he was kind, funny and incredibly sweet. I’m pretty sure he still is a lovely person because that seemed to be a genuine part of his character, but I can’t say for sure because I haven’t spoken to him for over ten years. I basically ghosted him before ‘ghosting’ became part of the popular lexicon.

As lovely as he was, the one thing I eventually came to detest about him was the fact that he talked too much. I don’t just mean he was a bit chatty – I actually like chatty people – I mean he talked incessantly to the point where not only was he not listening, but he wasn’t even engaging in conversation – he was literally talking at me, and this would last for hours.

I don’t have the words to fully articulate how awful this was. It felt like an attack. I was stuck on the phone from anywhere between two to three hours unable to even end the call because there was never a natural pause, he would just talk, and talk, and talk. After realising that my presence clearly wasn’t necessary during his diatribes, I would put him on speaker phone and continue with the things I needed to do. For example, I’d leave the phone in whatever room I was in then go and make myself a drink, sometimes go to the bathroom or scroll through Facebook, sometimes even engaging in conversations with people on the App. I remember that I ordered a pair of shoes online once. Of course, Ryan had no idea. He never noticed that I had said nothing for at least forty-minutes. He was too engrossed in what he had to say.

After a while I just stopped answering the phone when I saw that it was him calling. I wouldn’t do the same thing today. As a more mature person I would explain to him (if given the opportunity!) that I find his incessant talking not only annoying but rude and selfish. I would explain that a conversation involves 2 or more people and that if he isn’t going to acknowledge, let alone take an interest, in the person he has chosen to contact then why make contact at all? I would also explain that for me, an introvert, his behaviour was incredibly distressing because he talked so much that I sometimes found it smothering. On one occasion – the last time I ever answered the phone to him – I was actually on the brink of tears because it genuinely felt like I was being tortured.

But I wasn’t as mature back then. I was pissed off, so I ghosted him.

Ryan wasn’t the only person I have encountered who talks too much but he was by far the worst. Although I couldn’t stay in contact with him for the sake of my own mental well-being at least his inability to shut up wasn’t dangerous.

Reckless Talk

There are some people who are so self-absorbed and oblivious to the people and world around them that they are actually dangerous. These people usually talk incessantly, insert themselves into situations and relationships that don’t concern them and will adopt whatever personality they think will curry good favour in any given situation. I’ve found that these people usually have very low self-esteem and place their value solely on what others think of them. Their almost obsessive need to be liked by everyone means that they will say (and sometimes do) whatever it takes to be included; to seem interesting or to guarantee their place in whatever group of people they’re trying to impress. None of this really concerns the rest of us unless you have ever told these people anything in confidence.

Make no mistake, these troubled souls will share things you have told them in confidence with others to increase their social currency.

Aside from the obvious, there are a few problems with this. Firstly, the ability to be able to keep things private, whether you have been asked to do so or not, is a sign of maturity. It’s why children and teenagers fall out over such things; they’re still navigating their social relationships and their place within them. It’s hoped that as adults we understand that while being liked and having a good and varied circle of friends is important, none of that matters if you have a reputation for excessive gossiping and breaking confidences. Secondly, these people can make you feel uncomfortable. It’s not fun when you can’t speak freely around your so-called friends without fear of what you say being taken out of context, remixed, then passed on to someone else creating problems. Thirdly, and perhaps most disturbingly is the lack of awareness of what they have done and why it’s wrong.

Listen up!

Poor communication skills are becoming far too prevalent. Think about all the people you communicate with. How many of them do you really listen to? Do you know what’s important to them and do you take the time to ask them about it? Are you genuinely interested in their thoughts and opinions? Do you ask how they are and actually listen to their reply? 

How many times have you talked over someone while they were mid-sentence, crashing over their speech like the freakin’ cool-aid guy? What’s so important about your contribution to the conversation that forces you to forgo good manners and decency?

A relative passed away recently and during her service, everyone mentioned the same thing about her. She was very generous and if you told her in passing that you liked something she would always make sure that when she saw you, she’d have that thing for you.  It’s not the receiving of the thing that’s important here, it’s the fact that she cared enough to listen to what was important to others.

Listening is caring.

The Age of Narcissism

Over the last decade – maybe even longer – we’ve become a society who loves to speak but are incapable of listening. We want to communicate, to be heard and to be congratulated or sympathised with as appropriate. We want to post pictures of ourselves and have everyone tell us how beautiful we are, but we don’t want to listen to how horribly people who aren’t considered conventionally attractive are treated in society. 

We want to parade our relationships, regardless of how dysfunctional they might be, and have everyone tell us that we’re ‘Relationship Goals’, but we don’t want to listen to and acknowledge the millions of people suffering from various forms of abuse from their partners.

We want to talk endlessly about our rights and our oppressions but will simultaneously oppress, gaslight and ignore everyone else’s rights if they do not fit our rhetoric. 

And here’s the kicker; when some grow tired of being ‘talked at’ so keep quiet because under such conditions speaking is superfluous, people will ask ‘What’s wrong’? ‘Are you okay’? ‘You’re so quiet’.

Everyone thinks they have great communication skills.

Most people do not.

Everyone thinks they are a good friend.

Most people are not.

But all is not lost.

We can start to be better communicators and as such be better friends, family members, and colleagues by resolving to be mindful about how we communicate with others. We can make sure that we’re giving as well as receiving in our interactions. We can socialise with the aim of learning about others instead of with the sole intention of getting others to learn about us. We can be curious and non-judgemental. We can be open-minded. We can be discreet. We can know when to offer practical support and when to simply just be there. We can be honest and kind. We can leave our egos at the door.

Maybe there’s a reason the term ‘the art of communication’ is sometimes used. Like any art form, it requires attention, practice, and commitment to become truly great.