What’s wrong with you?

Question:

Have you reached the point where you have burned through all of your fucks and now have zero left to give? By which I mean, do you feel that you’re a little grumpier, less filtered and more impatient than usual? And if so, are you worried that you’re becoming (or maybe always have been) a terrible person?

Let me reassure you, you’re probably not a terrible person at all. I say ‘probably’ because I don’t know you personally, actually I don’t know you at all, so you might be a terrible person for all I know!

Your possible terrible-ness aside, there are a few reasons why you may be feeling a little uncharitable with your ‘nice’ feelings – none of which have anything to do with your character, well not in the way you’re thinking. And here’s something else: depending on how these thoughts and feelings are expressed, they may actually be good for you! Yep, examining why you’re feeling or behaving this way can tell you a lot about yourself and your own journey, creating greater self-awareness.

So, what’s wrong with you?

Your cup no longer runneth over…

The obvious answer might be that emotionally, you’re running on empty. You may be the kind of person who is there to help others heal, who is everyone’s listening ear, who will take time out of your schedule to usher someone through some emotional issue or what-not. And you’re happy to do these things. The problem is, each time you provide these services you’re pouring from your emotional cup and now your cup is empty because neither you or the people around you have thought to replenish it.

So, here’s what you can do. Be boundaried about the amount of time and energy you spend helping others. It’s good to be there for others but there’s a limit to how much time you should spend there. Schedule time for conversations. It sounds a bit formal but it’s actually a good thing for both you and the other person because allotted time means you can give the person your complete attention without the distractions that can accompany unplanned interactions.

If you are caught off guard and it isn’t convenient for you to speak, let the person know. You may have planned to get some work done or spend time with a loved one, or simply chill out with a good book or a movie. If this is the case, politely explain that you’re busy at the moment and offer to organise another time to speak – a time that is convenient for both of you.

You should also avoid providing any kind of emotional support if you aren’t in the best health physically, psychologically or emotionally. Not only might the advice or support your offering be a little ‘off’ because you’re unwell, but you are a human being who needs rest and care too, so don’t interrupt your own healing process to support other people with theirs. It won’t work out well for either of you.

Finally, you should engage with people, activities, and hobbies that bring out the best in you. These can provide an outlet for your feelings and will replenish your cup with the goodness, love and positivity that you need to be your best self and that later, you can share with others.

You’ve become socially obese

When we put on weight we can no longer fit into our jeans. When we experience personal or spiritual growth, we no longer fit in with the people or situations around us.

Outgrowing people or situations happens for all kinds of reasons, but it does happen. Relationships of all kinds need to move forward, or they’ll die. It’s not necessarily anyone’s fault – people move in different directions all the time – but your feelings of frustration may be a sign that it’s time to speak to the person or people, about changing the nature of the relationship or, if this isn’t possible, ending it altogether. Allowing the relationship to limp on with one eye, no hearing, bad lungs and incontinence, is just cruel to everyone involved and does nothing but breed resentment.

You’re going through some challenges of your own

Dealing with your own challenges, depending on what they are, can leave very little space in your life for other people’s challenges. Your own trials may also cause you to question whether the things other people have been struggling with are really that earth-shattering in comparison. You know (or should know) that pain is not a competition, and that people are entitled to feel how they feel, but you’re perhaps not feeling so charitable right now. Your problem is all consuming and you need some time to be “selfish” and wallow in your own shit.

So, take that time.

Sit in your shit.

Just don’t stay there for too long.

You’re a bit entitled

As a society, we reach new levels of stupidity every week. One of those levels is the idea that we are entitled to happiness all the time.

In Nicholas Nickleby, Charles Dickens wrote:

“Happiness is a gift and the trick is not to expect it, but to delight in it when it comes”.

There’s a lot of wisdom in that short quote.

Sometimes life will become overwhelming. Sometimes we’ll have huge disappointments and situations that feel like they’re sending us back to square one. We’ll feel hurt and pain and longing and a deep sadness which may then become numbness. We will cry, maybe even scream and we may retreat to our beds or other safe spaces because to do anything else requires energy that we just don’t have.

Feel every piece of these emotions and know that while you’re going through this process you may be unable to be as kind or as patient as you might usually be. Know that you may anger quicker than usual or lose the ability to apply a verbal filter where you otherwise would have. It’s okay, you can (and should) apologise later, but right now, you’re experiencing emotional diarrhea brought on by emotional pain. Much like actual diarrhea, it needs to come out in order for you to heal.

You’re menopausal/perimenopausal

Ladies, you might be hormonal.

Menopause and perimenopause have a tendency to sneak up on people and because the symptoms are so many and varied, it takes a while to understand what the hell is going on.

Thanks to the wonderful and amazing women who broke – and are breaking – the cone of silence that used to exist around menopause, we now have so much information about what to expect and how to manage some symptoms. My favourite is @menopause101 on Instagram!

Even if you’re not there yet or you’re a dude, you should do your research for your own understanding and so you may be able to offer emotional support to others.

You’ve been groomed to be “nice”

This is especially true for women who, since childhood are usually raised to be polite, well behaved and to concern ourselves with making sure others have a positive opinion of us. On the face of it, these seem like good things. We should all – male, female and non-binary – be polite and well behaved, and we should want to leave people with a good impression of us, but not in the face of disrespect and not at the expense of our mental and physical health.

Yet that’s what some people believe (or were raised to believe) they should do.

As a result, you became a pro at supressing negative feelings less they cause upset for others and now, after being ‘pleasant’ for so long, those suppressed feelings are creeping out – as they always do eventually.

And now you’re scared.

Having never fully experienced these feelings before they feel overpowering, and you feel completely out of control. One minute you’re fine, the next you’re ready to rip someone’s head off with your teeth for looking at you the wrong way. Some seriously dark thoughts inhabit your mind at times and a rage you didn’t think possible engulfs you when you’re suddenly confronted with the realisation that you have been treated horribly by some of the people closest to you, but you were too busy smiling and being pleasant in the face of it all to fully appreciate what was happening.

If this is you, here’s what you should do.

Get therapy.

Seriously, get yourself a therapist and talk that shit out!

If you can’t afford a therapist, talk to your GP about free or low-cost therapy. There will be a waiting list, and that list will be looooooong, but get on it! And while you wait you can get in contact with one or more of the services I’ve listed at the end of this blog.

It’s really important to enlist the help of a professional to help you manage these new feelings before they become unmanageable.

You’re overwhelmed

By now, we are aware that that man is now President of the United States. This will not be good news for everyone. A few weeks ago, it was all over the UK news that that woman is now leader of the Conservative party. This will not be good news for everyone. The cost of living is kicking everyone’s arse – even people earning what, in ordinary circumstances would be really good salaries are feeling it! Then there’s Palestine, Congo, Sudan…

Not to mention the things we may have going on in our personal lives.

Things happen all the time and we, for the most part just keep it moving, mostly because we don’t have the time, resources and/or support networks to do anything else, but it catches up with us eventually.

We are all in a constant state of survival – some more than others – and to be in this state constantly is not only exhausting in every way, but it strips us of our peace. The opposite of peace is chaos and in the midst of our own personal chaos we may have some dark thoughts and/or behave in ways that we don’t recognise or that we’re not proud of.

Many years ago, I heard someone say the following:

“Even with tears in your eyes you can still see”.

Essentially, it means that even in our pain and grief we know right from wrong. I agree. That said, I also believe that extreme situations and stress can cause us to lose ourselves momentarily. This is why we must be patient with ourselves and each other.

***

I mentioned diarrhoea earlier, now I’m gonna talk about poop. (I usually use exercise analogies, so I thought I’d switch things up!)

We eat, we poop. Food is nice, poop is not, but they’re essentially the same thing. As humans, sometimes we can be lovely and caring and sometimes we can be a bit stinky and gross like poop, but it’s all the same person, just different versions of ourselves. Just as digestion is good for our health, understanding and giving space to the not-so-great thoughts, feelings and sometimes even behaviours we exhibit is good for our mental and spiritual health. It allows us to figure out what’s wrong, then hopefully deal with the problem before getting rid of those negative thoughts, feelings and behaviours.

We’re essentially ingesting the good stuff and crapping out the bad!

So no, you’re not an inherently bad person, probably. (As I said, I don’t know you!). You’re probably just going through a process. Recognising this, learning from it, and making amends where and when you can is the difference between being human and being a terrible human.

Useful services: