One day someone had a thought, and I imagine the thought went something like this:

“You know, sex with another person sure is great. I love it! But what happens if one day I’m really in the mood but there’s no one around to have sex with? How will I get the relief I require?”

And that person went on to create the vibrator.

I have no idea who invented the vibrator or why, and I’m scared to Google it. My basic knowledge of the history of mental health leads me to believe that the creation of the vibrator came from a machine created by a psychiatrist to cure women of their ‘hysteria’.

Anyway, regardless of how it um, came about (sorry!) the fact is, people can now receive sexual satisfaction without another person being involved in the process. I mean, technically, I suppose they always could, but I suppose the difference is, people don’t have to rely solely on just their hands anymore…?

Anyway, with this in mind, my question is this: If people can satisfy themselves sexually if/when they need to without needing another person to be involved, why can’t some people satisfy themselves when it comes to celebrating their accomplishments?

Some background: I’ve recently embarked on something. It’s something I’ve never done before, and I have managed to do it with very little help. It may or may not work out but even if it doesn’t, the fact that I’ve managed to get this far despite at times being crippled with imposter syndrome; self-doubt and despair (none of which was or is warranted) is pretty remarkable for me.

The responses I’ve received have mostly been positive and very supportive. I say mostly because a few people haven’t responded in the way I would have expected.  Some have remained silent, choosing not to acknowledge what I’ve done at all, while some have simply responded to criticise. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for constructive criticism but when the criticism comes with little to any understanding (or willingness to understand) what I’m doing and why, I am somewhat sceptical.

I gave myself precisely 1 hour to acknowledge how I was feeling about the indifference or straight up hostility I received from certain people before moving on because it’s important to both acknowledge and then sit with our negative feelings for a while.

I was pissed off.

I was mad because these are people I have supported consistently. I have always genuinely celebrated their successes and been proud of them and happy for them during their accomplishments. They never hesitated to contact me when they wanted or needed something and before I started being more boundaried, I’d even put myself out for these people when I really didn’t want to, just so they knew that someone had their back. I never asked for anything from these people yet the one time I reach out and invite them to celebrate my achievement, it’s crickets.

So yeah, I was angry, but then as quickly as it came on, the anger disappeared.

Because it doesn’t really matter.

I am happy with what I’ve accomplished.

This isn’t to say that other people’s encouragement and support aren’t important to me – it’s great, I love it and when it’s genuine it gives me the energy to keep going, especially on those days when the confidence levels aren’t where they should be, but I’ve been in too many situations where the only thing that kept me going was being my own cheerleader so I know the importance of never placing your entire self-worth and sense of accomplishment in the hands of others.

Seeking nourishment purely from the words and deeds of others will leave you hungry a lot of the time.

That said, self-validation isn’t something that comes easily to everyone. Some people rarely, if ever feel their accomplishments are worth acknowledging, let alone celebrating unless other people acknowledge them too. These feelings can stem from low self-esteem caused by abuse, trauma, and/or neglect or from the weird way society has us believing that if something isn’t seen and validated by others it holds no value.

We (especially women) are also taught to practice humility right? (well, before 2010 or thereabouts when we sadly entered the Age of Narcissism). But there is a big difference between being braggadocious and being proud of your achievements. Being proud of yourself for doing a good job; completing a challenging task; overcoming a difficult situation or something similar isn’t arrogant but rather an acknowledgment of your growth and resilience – important attributes for an emotionally healthy human being to have.

Getting to a place where you are no longer reliant on the words of others to make you feel good about yourself is a journey. It takes time, self-analysis, changes in thoughts and behaviours and the realisation that sometimes people – even the ones who claim to care about you – at best just don’t give a shit, and at worst need you to constantly feel bad about yourself because misery does indeed love company. There are also those who have already decided where they believe you should be in life and seeing you succeed – or even attempt to – threatens their limited and ill-informed view of how they think things should be.

These people are universally known as ‘arseholes’.

Now I’m not the smartest person in the world but I know enough to know that seeking validation from arseholes is not a smart move.

You know yourself better than anyone, so you know all the great things you’ve accomplished, the challenges you’ve overcome and all the work you have put in to becoming a better version of yourself. You know what you’ve been through to get where you are so how can you not be happy for you?

Furthermore, how can you expect others to be happier for you than you are for yourself?

So yeah, take those genuine and sincere compliments when they come.  Allow them to fuel you. But if they don’t come, don’t immediately assume it’s because you and/or your work are trash.

You’re probably just surrounded by arseholes. 😉