A few months ago, someone paid me a compliment and in the spirit of being the reflector that I am I only realised hours after the fact.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, on a separate occasion my last interaction with this person was so low energy on my part that I’m pretty sure it sounded like I didn’t want to speak to them. I could hear how I sounded but couldn’t do anything about it because I was feeling so incredibly down – dare I say depressed – on that day.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot for three reasons. The first is that I feel really bad that I didn’t recognise then thank them for their kind words when they complimented me. Even if it was insincere (which it could have been, I don’t know the person well at all!) it was nice of them to attempt to put me at ease. Secondly, I’m a bit pissed off with myself because I thought I’d worked through being unable to take compliments, but it looks like I just found a workaround instead – develop selective hearing! Thirdly, I hate coming across as rude to people (unless they deserve it) and I really hope I didn’t make them feel bad during our last interaction.

The fact that I couldn’t stop thinking about these instances means that they must be important to me in ways that aren’t so obvious, so I’ve been trying to unpack it. I won’t bore you with all the details as there are many levels to this but essentially part of the issue for me is that I think it’s much easier to take compliments when you feel even a little good about yourself, and I must say I haven’t been feeling good about myself for months now. In fact, I haven’t been feeling like myself at all for months. In hindsight, it’s not surprising, a lot has been happening this year and I’m trying really hard to keep on top of everything but I think I may have hit a wall.

I know it’s not cool to admit that you feel sad – you’re supposed to keep that shit to yourself so as not to depress people, but recently I had a lovely conversation with someone at work about something completely unrelated and their honesty, authenticity and willingness to be so open about themselves and their vulnerabilities really made me think.

I always try to be my authentic self, mainly because I find it very difficult to be anyone else. It’s like walking around in shoes that are 2 sizes too small – bloody uncomfortable and unnecessary. That said, I’m also really good – seriously, really good, like, Robert De Nero level good, at pretending I’m okay when I’m not.

I suspect a lot of people, particularly women, are and have been for generations. It’s probably why in British culture people ask: ‘You alright?’ and the reply is usually ‘Yeah, fine thanks. You?’ which actually translates to: ‘I’m acknowledging your presence by vaguely inquiring about your wellbeing but please keep it brief and light because I don’t do feelings, nor do I care about yours’. And the response: ‘I understand that this is a superficial interaction so I’ll keep it brief then bat the question back to you because I’m actually very uncomfortable talking about my feelings even in a superficial way’.

Hiding how you’re really feeling isn’t just a personality flaw or a weird display of martyrdom. Some people have been left wanting when they have reached out to friends and/or family causing them to clam up. I know I have. Having spent literally thousands of hours being a listening ear and source of support to others (which I was and am happy to do within reason) I realised after making, what was for me the difficult decision to reach out to some people, that there was no reciprocity, so I stopped sharing and just focussed on them.

Then there are the nosey bastards. People who hit you with ‘if you ever need to talk, let me know, I’m here for you’ but they’re not, they just want to be all up in your business. I think we can all agree that, respectfully, these people can fuck right off!

There’s not wanting to be a Debbie Downer. No one wants to be that person who people have to take two paracetamols and brace themselves to speak to because it’s gonna be all gloom and doom.

And sometimes you just don’t have the mental energy to share what’s really going on with you. Communication of any kind with another human being can be a lot when you’re already feeling overwhelmed and/or drained. Sometimes it’s just easier not to go there.

But the thing is, it’s actually very unhealthy to keep pretending that everything is fine when it’s not. Those emotions and feelings have to go somewhere, we have no control over that. We can however control how they are released: either in a safe space with someone we trust, or in a journal, or via migraines, backache, stomach ulcers…

I’m now on blood clot number 3 (if you’re new here I had a pulmonary embolism in 2021 and another one in 2024). ‘Bobby’ (I’ve decided to name them from now on since they keep invading my body) is the third clot, making his appearance a few weeks ago – actually most likely before then but the little shite was discovered a few weekends ago after 7 hours in A&E. The medical professionals are baffled because despite being prescribed medication for life – and taking said medication – new clots keep forming. Now, there’s no medical basis for the observation I’m about to make, but I imagine part of the reason might be that I’m holding on to a lot of emotional and psychological stress and it’s taking its toll physically. Stress, sadness, depression, grief…They can all do strange things to our bodies.

Or I might just have shit blood!

Either way, having been inspired by the authenticity of my colleague I’ve decided that I’m going to be more open about my feelings with certain people. I’ve actually taken a few steps already. Last week, a colleague asked how things were going with my lungs. My response: ‘Shit’. I should mention that this response was very specific to the person I was talking to – I won’t be going around answering other people with profanities! And I did go on to elaborate, I didn’t just end the conversation on that note. More recently when speaking to people I trust, instead of responding to queries about my wellbeing with ‘yeah, fine thanks’ I’ve instead been letting them know that I’m actually feeling a bit down at the moment.

The thing is, I don’t think there’s any good reason for me not to be honest with certain people. I don’t have to worry about being a Debbie Downer because I know I’m not – actually, most of the time I’m an absolute joy, even when I feel like shite! (😊) I already ignore insincere people’s fake concerns, have culled most of the ‘friends’ and family who don’t reciprocate, and I already tell people when I’m not in the mood to speak and for the most part, they respect those boundaries. The ones who insist on continuing to bother me during those times just get ignored.

There’s also good advice and giggles to be had when you share. One of my friends asked me if I ‘hug trees’ when I get depressed which literally made me laugh out loud. The point they were making was am I doing what I’m supposed to do to deal with this or just ignoring it. (Little do they know that I actually love trees and would probably benefit from hugging a few!) Sharing with another friend led to a trip down 90s feel-good movies memory lane which both cheered me up and reminded me of some great movies I need to rewatch.

Unfortunately, I can’t contact the person I was so low energy with a few months ago – well I could but it would be really weird, and they probably don’t even remember – or care! But if I could, I would thank them for being so kind and patient with me. I’d tell them that their compliment and general demeanour in those short interactions over those few weeks was so kind and as a new member of staff I really appreciated it. I’d also apologise for my very low energy the last time we spoke, and I’d explain that it was absolutely nothing to do with them – I actually liked our brief chats – I was just feeling really sad that day.

Then I’d go and hug a tree.

I don’t write about my own issues for nothing – I think sometimes the best lessons and/or advice comes from learning from other people’s experiences so while this post is another step in being more honest and open about my feelings, I hope that if you see yourself reflected in this post you feel inspired to take the necessary steps towards your own healing journey too, even if it’s just admitting to someone – or even to yourself that you’re not okay.