The process of personal development when done properly is quite an experience. It can be a long, emotionally taxing, confusing, painful but ultimately rewarding.

That said, something that’s not spoken about too often is what happens when, despite the progress you may have made, a situation occurs that pushes you, temporarily, back to square one.

I touched on this briefly in ‘Thank you and goodbye’ and mentioned that it’s okay if we fall back into old patterns sometimes, in fact, it’s to be expected given that we’ve lived with the old patterns longer than we have the new ones.

I experienced a temporary setback recently and I thought I’d share it with you to  highlight the fact that setbacks on the personal development journey do happen but it’s okay.

Since 2024 I’ve made it my personal mission to overcome my fear of networking. I wrote about it in Making work work

I’ve had a few chances to practice and, for the most part it’s been fine except for one interaction that almost undid eight years of hard work.

Without going into too much detail, I’ll say this: a social situation arose where the people were just straight up rude. They made it clear they had zero interest in talking to me at all, possibly because I wasn’t ‘one of them’.

Eight years of confidence building, reframing, emotional unpacking, purging, self-analysis, changes in thoughts and behaviours and healing fell away in that moment and in its place a very loud and familiar voice was screaming:

“Of course they don’t want to talk to you! Why would they? You’re stupid, useless and weird looking. You bring nothing of value, you’re pathetic! You shouldn’t even be here.”

Then I pushed those feelings deep deep down and kept smiling and being as personable as possible because that’s what I do. I even managed to see the funny side of the situation in a “well I guess I’ll just go f**k myself then, shall I?” Kind of way.

That same week I received an invitation to a book launch from my former coaching tutor. Of course, I accepted because I want to support her (and the book is awesome!) I was in the process of adding the info to my phone’s calendar because my memory is shit, then my stomach flipped and I started to feel unwell.

It occurred to me that there are going to be a bunch of people I don’t know at the launch and they’re all going to hate me like the people from the last social event I attended. The room is probably going to be filled with professionals, and I won’t have anything to contribute because I’m trash. I don’t belong there.

I decided to email my former tutor and let her know I wouldn’t be able to make it after all.

As I was switching apps on my phone to compose the email there was a LinkedIn notification letting me know that “The Female Quotient” had posted something. (“The Female Quotient” are always bloody posting something. They’re relentless!) I decided to quickly go into the app just so I didn’t have that annoying red notification thing on my screen.

I ended up scrolling through LinkedIn more out of habit than anything else, and in a few minutes I was laughing to myself because on the surface it’s an app full of successful people sharing thoughts and ideas, a very tiny percentage of which are somewhat interesting and/or useful, while the rest is mostly performative garbage with the aim of giving the impression of professionalism, success and sometimes even superiority, while simultaneously lacking in depth or sincerity.

It occurred to me in that moment that the people that iced me at the event were LinkedIn: smart and accomplished but void of substance. Meanwhile I was TikTok: Not perfect by any means but real, honest and authentic; characteristics that often make people struggling with their own feelings of inferiority uncomfortable.

Despite being nervous, I was warm, friendly, open, present, interested and polite. They, on the other hand were rude, dismissive, closed off and impolite, not necessarily because they’re horrible people (although they might be, I don’t know them very well) but because in life there are two types of people: body and soul.

Some people are bodies: skin, organs and bones; and others are soul: essence, emotions, conscience…

We need both to function.

So, regardless of how difficult it might be sometimes, I have to keep showing up because it’s my job to bring the soul: the warmth, the kindness, the authenticity. Those, amongst other things, are my contributions not just to events but to the world. They’re the qualities that make me a great coach and friend. They’re the qualities that underpin my resilience, that help me to see things from multiple perspectives and connect with people in a meaningful way. Hell, they’re the reason I can’t condemn the people who iced me as bad people and instead choose to believe that they just have poor social skills until or unless other information comes to light.

And yes, sometimes people don’t see the worth in these humble characteristics, but that doesn’t make them worthless.

I didn’t send the email to my former tutor in the end. I’m going to her book launch in December and any other relevant events that might pop up, and I’ll be nervous and maybe even a bit shy but what I won’t be is the reason someone leaves feeling bad about themselves.

These situations are a bit like academic journeys. The personal development is the work: the listening, reading, assignments, coursework etc. The situation is the exam where we apply what we’ve learned, and the outcome is the grade. The difference is that unlike most courses, we can take this course and the exam repeatedly until we get the desired grade, and each time we do it gets a little easier because we’ve learned something from the last time.

I’m now back to my regularly scheduled programming. I’ve remembered who the f**k I am and what I bring to the table. I’ve also forgiven myself for allowing myself to be thrown off course for a minute.

Don’t be discouraged if a situation tosses you right back to square one. Review the situation – what triggered you? Why? What will you do if it happens again? Then try again next time. I promise it will be worth it in the end.