It’s exhausting being constantly punished for other people’s low self-esteem.

The amount of people who make it their mission to drag others down to feel better about their own inadequacies is astounding.

If it’s not manosphere weirdos who feel they must constantly remind everyone of how ‘alpha’ they are to hide the fact that they’re intimidated by women, it’s influencers buried under eleven layers of make-up and hundreds of thousands of pounds worth of debt calling out others for being ugly and broke.

But this sad trend doesn’t just live on social media and podcasts. It unfortunately plays out in real life too, and nowhere is it more prevalent than in the workplace.

Someone I know recently walked out of their job after months of organisational ineptitude coupled with verbal abuse from their manager. The conditions at their place of work were so bad that it was impacting their physical health resulting new health issues and the exacerbation of existing ones.

One of the plethora of issues they told me about was the way in which the so-called manager at this organisation spoke to employees. Shouting and swearing at staff, talking over staff, dismissing what they had to say and being discriminatory, then using tears to escape accountability were just some of their greatest hits apparently. A common thread through all this though was the perception by the so-called manager that ‘everyone thinks I’m stupid’.

While staff knew, through the so-called manager’s own behaviour, that the so-called manager was certainly unprofessional and needlessly aggressive, no-one actually thought that said manager was stupid when it came to the work. In fact, the employees were very aware of how competent the so-called manager could be when they weren’t behaving like a crazed animal on crack.

Despite this however, past experiences coupled with low self-esteem, a lack of self-awareness, emotional immaturity, arrogance, and an unwillingness to look inwards and make the necessary changes, resulted in the creature that the poor, unsuspecting staff had to endure.

I’ve had a few haters in the workplace over the years. At first I didn’t understand all the hate coming from some people – I’m pretty friendly, I stay out of drama and I do my work, but I’m also curious, self-motivated, somewhat ambitious and eager to learn about things that peak my interest, and apparently it’s these attributes that tend to rub some people the wrong way. These attributes in and of themselves are fine, but when they are exhibited by someone who some people believe should ‘know their place’ or who should act according to certain people’s biases and discriminatory beliefs then it becomes a problem.

My acquaintance who walked out of their job is a black woman with years of experience and excellent leadership and communication skills, and the other members of staff who were subjected to the so-called managers aggression were younger people, some of whom were just starting their professional careers. Based on low-key comments and micro-aggressions, in the eyes of the so-called manager, these are two groups of people who aren’t worthy of respect by virtue of being black and therefore ‘less than’ and by being young and therefore inexperienced.

In my case, my albinism and visual impairment have meant that in the eyes of some people I should be quiet, apologetic, eager to please, always agreeable and just grateful to be in the room. I know this because I used to be this, and while it made other people’s lives easier, it stifled my professional growth.

The problem isn’t just discrimination though. It’s actually deeper than that. It’s what these people are forced to confront about themselves when the people they look down on or have preconceived notions about display qualities that they themselves either don’t have, lack the confidence to display, or have taken for granted to such an extent that they’ve simply ignored them to their detriment.

Take the so-called manager for example. Their negative self-beliefs about being perceived as ‘stupid’ coupled with low self-esteem resulted in them projecting their issues onto the staff and treating them appallingly. Then what made things even worse according to my acquaintance was that the staff, despite being constantly faced with disrespect and aggression, carried themselves in a professional manner that ran contrary to the behaviour of the so-called manager, inadvertently revealing said manager’s poor communication skills and unprofessionalism. This made the so-called manager even angrier, resulting in their behaviour becoming even more unhinged.

The ‘less than’ staff essentially held a mirror up to the manager and the manager didn’t like what they saw or who was holding the mirror. Instead of fixing themselves however, the manager ramped up their abusive behaviour.

Because anything but honest self-reflection and personal development, right?

Similarly, people with impairments, disabilities or people who display any kind of difference from the so-called ‘norm’  who are unapologetic about their condition, class or whatever it may be that makes them stand out, who carry themselves with confidence, and are eager to learn, grow and develop, are often looked down on or labelled a ‘problem’ by people who, for various reasons, don’t have these qualities and are pissed off that the people they look down on do.

‘How dare you with your wheelchair, or blindness or trans-ness or [insert group that is likely to piss off people with low self-esteem here] have dignity, self-respect, ambition and high expectations? Especially when I don’t!’

Instead of working on themselves to increase the brightness of their light, their end game is to essentially extinguish the light in others so they can avoid the glare.

In situations where people tried to do this to me when I was younger, I didn’t just allow them to dim my light, I dimmed it for them, ‘cos, you know, people pleasing.

When people do it to me now, I pause, reflect, take stock, sulk for a bit, then slather on some factor 50 sun block and proceed to shine brighter than might be necessary.

Why? To piss them off? Yeah, but that’s just a bonus.

The real reason is because I shouldn’t be punished for other people’s insecurities. No one should. When people were nasty to me and tried to ruin me professionally because I possessed characteristics and behaviours they didn’t have, or took advantage of opportunities that were open to everyone but they chose not to engage with, I didn’t take it out on other people, nor did I allow it to transform me into a bitter, jealous, miserable twat. Instead, I did the work. I reflected on what was happening, how it made me feel, what I was doing to enable it, and what I had to stop or start doing to change it. I moved out of my comfort zone even when I was terrified, and I made it my mission to never again allow damaged people to damage me.

The acquaintance who left their job did so at great financial cost. The job market is arse right now and the cost of living is astronomical. They’re not rich by any stretch of the imagination and things will be tough.

But they will sleep at nights, some of their health conditions will be alleviated, and their self-respect and dignity will be restored.

In contrast, I suspect that the so-called manager will continue to be plagued by their demons and will deal with this by continuing to be a menace to everyone they encounter.

That’s a sad existence.

In the words of comedian Katt Williams:

“…Bitch, it’s called SELF-esteem, It’s esteem of your motherfucking self!”

If you struggle with low self-esteem it’s up to you whether you try to improve it or not, but what you don’t have the right to do is make it everyone else’s problem.