Last year, someone did something that upset me more than it should have and I had to sit with that for a while. In the grand scheme of things, it wasn’t the worst thing in the world which is why I was so confused about how upset I was. While I was stressing about it, I stumbled across something on Tik Tok of all places, where a person said something along the lines of:  if someone does something to upset you and you feel that your reaction is bigger than it should be, focus less on the person and more on the incident that upset you. Within that you’ll find the thing you need to work on within yourself. So, I did this and realised that, despite working on myself for many years, there were still a few unhealed wounds that I haven’t touched yet. Some intentionally because I’m not ready, and others because I didn’t even know they existed until something irritated them. 

I’m (reluctantly) working on the thing now – well things, the first thing set off a kind of domino effect – it’s an unpleasant process for me but needs must.

The initial situation that started this chain of events is what I guess is commonly known as a ‘trigger’. A seemingly small event that awoke within me some much larger unresolved issues.  I purposely didn’t open with that specific term because like many others over the years it’s been watered down to such an extent that it’s almost become meaningless. Nevertheless, I must admit that I was, in my situation, triggered.

Ideally, I would thank the person who triggered me. No, seriously, I would because they inadvertently helped me to deal with my shit. I can’t though because I think they’re mad at me and I think it might be because I may have inadvertently triggered them through something or somethings I’ve written.

You couldn’t make this up!

Tact

I love my mum dearly, but when the good Lord was handing out tact, she was off chasing butterflies or something. In her defence, she’s better now than she was. When she was younger her mouth was the original weapon of mass destruction.  She would just say whatever she felt with zero care for how it made the other person or people feel. And if a poor soul did respond, she’d just laugh at them!

Now, they say your children are your karma and if that’s true then that would explain why she of all people would end up giving birth to such a sensitive child. Our personalities couldn’t be more different. While I’m burdened (yes burdened because it feels that way sometimes) with empathy, care for other people’s feelings and a sensitivity to energy, mum is not. So, imagine my absolute shock when she, the woman who called me ‘fling foot’ for years because of the way I used to walk,  the woman who was in tears laughing when one of her best friends got roasted by a child, the woman who taught me, while I was still at primary school to tell people who picked on me to ‘go suck yuh mudda’ (and worse!), THIS woman, on a call one day said to ME ‘yeah, you can be quite hurtful with your words when you’re upset’

Every single flabber I had was gasted!

Anyway, she was right. My mouth can be absolutely soul-destroying when I reach a very deep level of anger and on some level I think I’ve always known this, so I (for the most part) spent years not only staying quiet in too many situations – to my detriment, but being very deliberate in what I say and how I say it. It’s one of the reasons I think I communicate in writing better than in person, especially when I’m stressed. Writing gives me time to process my thoughts and feelings then articulate myself in a way that feels measured and, I hope, fair.

Quiet Moments

The point of Quiet Moments was to focus on personal development, mainly my own because I’ve always found that I can (and have) read many books, articles and social media posts about personal development but nothing is more impactful for me than listening to people’s authentic stories of growth. Yes, it’s lovely that you wake up every morning filled with gratitude and green juice, but I’m more interested in what happened to get you to that place. When you were riddled with depression, disappointment and self-doubt what was going through your mind when you came to a realisation? And what was the realisation you came to? And how many times did you fail before you were successful? That’s the stuff that I find inspiring and wanted, in my own way to emulate.

Listen, I’ve been through some stuff. Loads of stuff. Too much stuff! I feel it’s only right that I use my experiences and what I’ve learned from them to help others, even if it’s just by writing a shitty little blog, because someone may stumble across that shitty little blog and may feel inspired to make some positive changes in their life. Or, they may already have made the decision but not know where to start and the ramblings in the shitty little blog might help them figure it out. Also, I’m going to write about this stuff anyway as part of my own development so I may as well share it!

Quiet Moments is not a space for passive aggression or to shame or punish others. It’s not even really about ‘others’ per se, it’s about how I navigate(d) certain situations and behaviours, what I learn(ed) from them, how I deal with my own nonsense, the mistakes I make and how I go about attempting to fix them.

Ten toes down

Dave Chappelle said he never apologises for any of the jokes he tells on stage. I’m the same when it comes to what I write here. I don’t apologise for articulating how I feel, or how I felt in a moment. That said, knowing that my experience is only one half of a situation, and usually the only half I’m ever going to be fully aware of, I also, where possible try to examine things from the perspective of others and give others the benefit of the doubt too, or at the very least, try to show some grace.

Given that the theme is personal development I understand and am open to the fact that some of my thoughts and feelings about things will change over time, and I’m okay with that. Changing our minds about things as we engage in new experiences, heal and learn from past experiences, and embrace new ways of thinking and behaving is central to our growth and emotional intelligence. And so is being open and honest about how we feel in the moment.

Words have power

That said, words have power. We’ve all heard the saying ‘words can harm or heal’ or something similar, and it’s true. And so can a lack of words, or careless words.

At the beginning of all of this, I said that someone had done something to trigger me last year, which lead to the healing that I’m currently undergoing. I’m grateful for the experience even though I hate having to confront the central issue. I was upset with the person for a while, and rightly so because what they did wasn’t cool, but I understand that multiple things can exist in the same space: I can be upset with them for what they did while also recognising that some of that upset actually had nothing to do with them and was more about the unresolved feelings connected to things that had happened in the past.  What the person did a few months ago triggered an emotional response to said past issues because it evoked feelings within me that I hadn’t felt in a long time and never wanted to feel again.

I also said that I would thank this person if I could, but I can’t because they’re currently pissed off with me, and I think it may be because of something I’ve written. If I’m right, and this is true, then perhaps this might help:

I used to be quite passive aggressive. I now understand that was because I didn’t have the confidence to express my feelings directly because on the occasions when I had, my feelings were often dismissed, belittled, or people would get upset with me for making them feel bad. I didn’t know how to advocate for myself in this context at the time. Anyway, during this time, a friend posted something on Facebook (yep, it was that long ago, when were all still using Facebook!) and the post was something along the lines of ‘being passive aggressive is pathetic’ or something like that.

People, I. Was. LIVID!

Being passive aggressive, I didn’t confront the person though (!) and thank God because I found out not long after, the post wasn’t about me at all. But my reaction to it was telling. Feeling ‘called out’ raised some issues. Panic (What do you mean the only way I know how to deal with my feelings is ‘pathetic’?) Shame (this person who I adore thinks I’m pathetic?)  Worry (does everyone think I’m pathetic?) Pride (f**k you dude, what about all of your negative qualities…) sadness (I know it is, but I’m broken)

So, I understand.

Words can tear us up sometimes, even if that wasn’t the intention. But our reactions can reveal so much more about what’s really going on with us and force us to confront elements of ourselves that we, deep down, know need to be addressed. It can be an uncomfortable process but a necessary one.

And sometimes, as in the example above, the words are neither for nor about us, yet we resonate with them anyway, further proof of the possible need for some inner work.

So now what?

Perhaps a trigger isn’t always the prelude to a potentially fatal shot. Sometimes it can be the thing that activates the process of moving forward in the right direction.

It’s really hard, I know. When someone or something upsets us, our initial response is never to turn inwards and self-reflect, but that self-reflection needs to take place at some point, later, when we’ve had time to cool down and when the anger has subsided. Reflecting on my own issue made me realise that the person I was upset with was only a small part of a bigger issue. The initial trigger (what they did) was rough, the process of dealing with the issues behind the trigger is rough, but the impact that dealing with these issues is going to have on my life will be wonderful.

So, I guess the takeaway for all of us is to reflect on, then examine the deeper feelings hiding behind our initial feelings, even when it’s painful. And to be honest with ourselves about what’s really going on. That’s not to say that the other people or person is never the problem, but instead to examine why what happened affected us as deeply as it did, with a view to confronting and then healing those parts of ourselves that require it, so we become more resilient.