While personal development is, for the most part rewarding and an important part of levelling up in pretty much all walks of life, it’s not all ‘love and light’.

If we accept the fact that everything has it’s positive and negative attributes, then we must conclude that personal development is no exception. There are some unpleasant things that can accompany the process, but these things are never really spoken about, and definitely not by coaches.

But I’ll tell you. I’ll spill the tea and tell you what the peppy, perky, “You can have the perfect life if you buy my book of rehashed coaching techniques” internet coaches won’t tell you. Because I am neither peppy nor perky, but I am authentic. I’ll share the positive bits and the challenges so that if you’re thinking about getting started, you’ll know what to expect, and if you’re already on the journey and experiencing some or all these things, you’ll know you’re not ‘going crazy’ or ‘doing it wrong’.

Triggers, pressure points, and unresolved issues

That thing that happened years ago that you say you’re over now? The people who wronged you that you say you’ve managed to forgive? The ‘whole new person’ you say you’ve become? Yeah, be prepared for all of that to crumble as you are forced to revisit these things, and more. It’s not that you were lying, it’s just that most of us think that we’ve healed and moved on when really what we’ve done is bury it and resolve never to think about it again. That’s not healing. These things will eventually surface and when they do you’ll have to face them head on.

Me, me, me!

Personal development can help us to be more self-aware, which is a good thing. In learning about ourselves we start to make connections, find clarity, and make better decisions. Like most things, it’s all very exciting at the beginning, so exciting in fact that we can get a little carried away and find ourselves stuck in the wonderful world of ‘me’. Every thought, conversation, interaction etc somehow works its way back to you and how you’re effected; what you’ve learned; what you’ve overcome. Great for you, boring for everyone else. That’s not to say that you should never speak about your development or share your experiences with people you trust, just remember that other people exist too.

Haters Assemble!

There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just say it: You’re probably going to lose some people along the way.

I’m sure that you’ve already figured out that as you grow and develop, you find that you have less in common with some people in your life. 

One of my own ‘ah ha’ moments during my process was realising that I hadn’t been very intentional about many of my friendships. I had a tendency to acquire friends rather than actively seek them out based on what I wanted and needed in my friendships, and what I was willing and able to give in return. As you gain more clarity about who you are, what you require, and what you’re willing and able to give, those who can’t provide what you need, or expect things from you that you can’t give will have to go, either naturally (you’ll just drift apart) or forcefully (you’ll have to put some distance between you or tell them to fuck off permanently).

And of the people that are left, there will be some haters: the people who hate to see who you’re becoming because it irritates their demons. They’ll refuse to acknowledge your accomplishments, belittle your experiences, accuse you of being ‘different’ in a way that suggests ‘different’ is a bad thing, secretly revel in your setbacks, and maybe even try to cause some, and guilt you into reverting back to your old self.

They’ll have to go too.

Don’t worry about it. We must clear the closet of the clothes that we can no longer wear to make room for new clothes that are more flattering to our current tastes and body shape.

A beacon for weirdos:

This is less common but does happen.

You might find that as you develop, your energy changes. You might become calmer, more peaceful, a bit quieter, more serene. Or the opposite; more outspoken, active and energetic. Or a bit of both! You might also find that elements of yourself that were once hidden, either intentionally or not, are now taking centre stage, for example, some people start to embrace and execute their natural leadership qualities, enhanced social skills, healing abilities, activism… You become more confident, more willing to ‘put yourself out there’ and experience new things and people. You look at things from different perspectives and may even find that some of your previous ideas and beliefs no longer align with who you are now.  You start to feel better about yourself, your current situation and maybe even your future.

In this state, you’re operating on a higher frequency and as a result you will attract likeminded and like spirited people on the same frequency, which is fab. But you’ll also attract some…Um… Other types of people.

This other group is comprised of people who are drawn to your energy because you embody the traits that they want but lack, and/or traits that are useful to them. For example, someone who lacks confidence may want to be seen with you because it makes them seem confident too. Or you may suddenly start attracting romantic interests who are drawn to your warmth or nurturing nature because it makes them feel safe but they cannot or will not reciprocate.

These people are performative: they’ll mimic you because for whatever reason they can’t or don’t want to do the work required to raise their own frequency naturally.

This might look like them imitating the way you look, speak and/or behave, both in life and online. They may take your thoughts, observations, and even experiences and present them to others as their own. Their interactions with you might be a little intense: constant messaging and/or phone calls, and an almost obsessive need to get you to open up to them about private and sensitive topics.

It’s creepy but it won’t last long. Attempts to be anyone other than your authentic self will always fail. Mimicking you might work for a while, but when people get close to them and see the cracks and inconsistencies, all will be revealed. All you can do in this situation is stay alert, perhaps put some distance between you and them, and continue being you.

Sometimes things are just shitty man!

At first, personal development will have you looking for the meaning and lessons in everything. Almost everything will feel like a test, an opportunity to apply what you’ve learned. Some things will be, but most things won’t. Sometimes, things just happen. No lesson, no teachable moment, just life life-ing. You can by all means choose to see the lesson(s) in these things if you want to, this can sometimes be a good thing to do, but be mindful not to attribute everything to your personal development as this can cause fatigue (see ‘Treadmill’) stress, and even toxic positivity. It’s kind of like astrology: I’m sure planet placements can have an impact on people’s personality traits, but sometimes, more often than not, people are just how they are because that’s just how they are.

Development dysmorphia

There is such as thing as too much personal development. You don’t always need to be developing. (see ‘Treadmills, contact lenses and fatigue)

PDP 

One can get caught up in the process of personal development and in so doing can develop what I call PDP: Personal development Procrastination. You can get so caught up in acquiring all the tools, information, affirmations, inspirational quotes and endless planning, yet never execute any of this in real world circumstances. At some point, you must take what you’ve learned and apply it, otherwise it’s not really development is it?

To infinity and beyond!

Personal development never ends. As long as we are alive, we’ll always be growing and developing. Whether this happens actively or passively is up to us, but either way, it’s going to happen. The key is to approach it when you can, how you can, and in a way that is authentic to you.

Have you experienced any of the above or other not-so-great experiences when trying to work on yourself? If so, what were they and how did you get through it?