Recently I applied to be part of a women-centred peer-coaching/ professional development programme at work. The application process involved completing a form and one of the questions asked was what you hoped to get from the course. While completing the form I had a revelation. I realised that so much of my time has been spent surviving in the workplace, I’ve not had the privilege of working towards developing a career.

I’m what is described as a ‘generalist’. I’ve had a succession of jobs not a career, and of the jobs that I’ve had the opportunity for advancement was either non-existent or lead to a field I had no interest in pursuing. I had planned for a career. I wanted to be a journalist. I got the degree, did many internships and wrote (for free) for several publications but I didn’t have the financial advantage of continuing to work for free until someone decided I was worthy of payment. I needed money and since I had precisely zero contacts in the journalistic world I had to get a job – any job.

I had many jobs unrelated to journalism but of course the longer you are out of your chosen profession, the harder it is to get back in and before I knew it my skills were dated and sadly journalism as we knew it was dying anyway. So I was stuck applying for jobs that were similar to what I had been doing (because employees insist on experience) even though what I had been doing was of no real interest to me professionally.

Not being able to pursue your career dreams because of your economic situation is more common than you might think. Today you might take it for granted that the range of TV newsreaders and reporters is quite diverse, but this is a fairly new occurrence. The media was just one of many industries that was routinely called out for its exclusionary culture. Being able to work for very little or no money at all under the guise of an ‘internship’ for years was an unspoken requirement and one which many people could not afford. Similarly, having access to the ‘right people’ – those who could put in a good word for you or hook you up with a job was unlikely if daddy didn’t play golf with the editor of a national newspaper or some executive at the BBC. This isn’t to say that some people who didn’t fit the mould didn’t make it through – many did and are doing very well but the struggles some of them faced along the way were sometimes needlessly cruel.

Being the person I am, I made the most of each opportunity that came my way. Along with using my initiative and being open to trying new things, I also engaged with any and all training and learning opportunities that were on offer and were of interest. At first, I had some fantastic managers who not only helped me but pushed me to excel, I say ‘at first’ because later, I encountered many blocks to my professional development.

Before I go on, let me explain something that will be relevant as we move forward.

You may already know this but if you’re new here, I have albinism – put simply, an absence of melanin in the hair, skin and eyes (although I have some melanin in in my eyes). So, despite being born of two black parents I have very white skin, very blonde hair and very poor eyesight. Navigating the world as a person with albinism has had its challenging moments – most of which had nothing to do with the albinism itself but rather other people’s reactions to it. Given that in some places, the workplace is just an extension of school in that many of the people at work never really grew up and the bullies get away with everything, the work environment was not always a great place for a black woman with albinism.

Through the numerous instances of being talked down to, ignored, excluded, lied about and set up for failure – all of which, and more happened in many of the places I have worked, I just got through it. I dealt with each problem as it arose and sometimes this included not dealing with it if I didn’t feel up to it. I was on edge a lot of the time because I understood that my margin of error was a lot smaller than most other people’s: if other people made mistakes it was fine because [insert reason and be supportive and understanding here] but if you are a minoritised person, a person with a disability or an honest and informed person, you know that this isn’t the case for everyone. I had to watch my back because there were several knives directed at it, I had to practically beg for development opportunities and was usually denied anything of real value, and my successes were rarely acknowledged.

Despite knowing that much of what I was experiencing was me being punished for having the audacity to exist in this body AND have the nerve to be competent too, I felt it was my responsibility to fix this by being better. I was younger then and lacked both the self-esteem and knowledge of how systems really work that I have now. I put a lot of pressure on myself during those times – more than I realised – because when you’re in the middle of it, your instinct is survival. You just have to get through it.

I did get through it and although it didn’t break me, it did rob me of the opportunity of being able to plan for and work towards a career. That’s what being in constant survival mode does, it keeps you so distracted on just trying to get through the worst of things that there is little if any time to even think about let alone execute plans.

for anyone thinking that this is all an excuse for missed opportunities, this is not that. This is the realisation that classism, racism, ableism…any and all forms of discrimination are far more insidious than people realise because they rob you of time and energy that should have been used to help you to become the best version of yourself possible. Constantly having to fight people and systems in return for basic things such as respect, acknowledgement, or a fair shot at a career is a drain on your time, energy, resources and your relationship with yourself. Knowing that things wouldn’t be so hard if you weren’t you even though you know that your race, disability, sexuality, impairment etc is not to blame takes a mental toll. 

It took me a long time to decide to write this and make it public because even though I know better I, and many others I’m sure, have been conditioned to believe that to acknowledge the personal impact of discrimination and/or lack of financial resources is to not take responsibility for ones own choices or behaviours. That belief is the clever part of discrimination that no-one talks about – the psychological aspect. It’s the mind games that the systems plays to keep its victims in endless torment. It’s the equivalent of being punched in the face then when you complain about being punched, the pain it’s caused and the broken nose you’ve been left with you’re told that you’re just making excuses for not ducking.

If any of this resonates with you, good because I wrote this for you. I wrote this for people who have spent so much time in survival mode, fighting discrimination and/or economic inequality that you’ve been denied the basic human right of being able to just be. I wrote this for people who have become so mired in the ‘fight’ that you’re beginning to believe that perhaps you might be the problem.

You. Are. Not. The. Problem.

Nor are you a failure, or a person lacking personal responsibility. You’re a warrior, called into battle against your will, in a war you didn’t start at great cost to yourself. But you didn’t run from the challenge. You fought and have learned lessons and developed skills and experiences that will serve you, so go easy on yourself. Yeah, things may not have turned out as planned but sometimes things don’t and sometimes it’s not your fault.