Have you ever been told that you ask too many questions, or have too many interests? Have you ever been shamed or looked down on for following a career path or way of life that differs from the norm? Are you chronically misunderstood? Are you often the product of other people’s negative assumptions?

If so, you’re not alone.

In what is often considered a ‘modern’/ ‘forward thinking’ society there seems to be an increasing underlying hostility towards those who exercise natural curiosity, are open-minded about the world around them, and approach life a little differently than most.

As someone who has many interests and talents, is not afraid to ask questions for clarification and understanding, who advocates for myself and others, and who takes an interest in the things and people around me, be it personally or professionally, I’m regularly perceived by people who think they know me but don’t, as either flaky, some kind of failure, unintelligent, and/or lacking structure.

Being a private person doesn’t help either. People who feel entitled to information about me and my life, often get frustrated to the point where they resort to making assumptions and scenarios in their heads, then sharing these works of fiction with others for the kind of social clout that they could never achieve by just being their boring selves.

And God help you If you live a life that doesn’t resemble the status quo. Just ask women who are childfree by choice, people who’ve gone ‘no contact’ with their families, couples who have opted out of marriage, women who choose the bear…

Despite having so much access to information and a plethora of different ways to connect with others, the world seems less curious and more judgmental now.  Unless it’s for the purposes of making money, taking a genuine interest in others or wanting to learn simply for your own edification has become unpopular.

To live authentically and to be true to oneself is a genuinely revolutionary act and one which is rewarded with a sense of peace and contentment that many can only dream of. But it’s not easy. In a society where quick fixes, following the crowd, and performative behaviours are heralded as “normal”; thinking, being, and existing in ways that stray from the norm can open you up to all kinds of ridicule, hostility and isolation.

So, it’s just easier to go with the group, right?

Well, that’s for you to decide. But to help, here’s a reminder of some of the situations and behaviours that are often at the centre of some of the hostility you receive.

The bastardisation of education

Before it became a commodity, education was once considered almost sacred. Learning about the world in which we inhabit, and the people in it was just a normal part of life. From conversations with elders to exploration and the creation of recorded information in the form of books, images, and later audio and visual recordings; learning, and sharing knowledge, were both acts of service and reward.

Today, education is information about a particular field in exchange for a piece of paper that will ensure you a job. “Tell me what I need to know, to pass this course so I can get money to survive”. Aside from the gradual move away from learning for learning’s sake, the aforementioned piece of paper has proved worthless for many, as the job part is no longer guaranteed. That sucks and has caused many problems, economically, socially and even psychologically for some, but those of us who enjoy it, carried on learning regardless. Maybe not via formal channels but through reading, talking to a range of people from different walks of life, thinking, questioning, travelling, tinkering, experimenting, attending workshops…

And because education has become so transactional, choosing to spend time doing any or all the above by choice is seen as odd by those who can’t fathom why anyone would do this for ‘nothing’ in return. They fail to understand that the knowledge gained and the ways in which that knowledge will help one to grow (personally, professionally, spiritually, socially, emotionally, and/or psychologically) is the return.

Fear

I know someone who desperately wants to ask me about albinism but won’t. Not what albinism is – they can, and probably have, googled that, but how it affects me personally. Instead, they stare at me a lot. At first it made me uncomfortable, then angry and now I’m just used to it. I figured they’re either shy, worried about saying the wrong thing, or just weird.

I can confidently say this person, and others like them (as there are and have been a few) has nothing to worry about. I’m happy to answer questions people might have about living with albinism so long as the questions and the way they’re asked is respectful.

But they don’t necessarily know this.

We don’t know how people will react.

A long time ago, in the black Caribbean community, if you met another black Caribbean person and they had an accent or a last name that seemed familiar, people would just ask: ‘Where you from?’ usually meaning, where are your people (parents, grandparents) from. As a marginalised and minoritised group in the UK it was a way to build and restore connections. I’m sure this was not unique to Caribbean communities.

Today it’s considered rude to ask someone where they’re from given that some non-minoritised people have used the question as a way of stripping non-white British people of their British identities.

Similarly, encountering people with physical, or other differences can be tricky too. There’s a fine line between being curious and being intrusive. That line is different for everyone, so while one person may be happy to answer questions and share information, others might feel ‘othered’ or just don’t want to answer questions – which is their right of course.

The fear of saying the wrong thing has, in many cases, created greater gaps in our understanding of each other. We stifle our natural (and normal) curiosity about others and instead retreat to the safety of the people and places we know and who know us because venturing out could cause problems. As a result, we are learning less about each other, contributing to further hostility and polarisation.

If you’re a person for whom this isn’t a problem because you’re motivated by seeking understanding over ‘looking silly’, then know that you have a rare gift. If people have an issue with you asking questions, seeking clarification, and/ or connecting authentically with others, understand that it’s probably because, like them, you might feel anxious or fearful about asking the questions and creating the connections but, unlike them, you’re brave enough to do it anyway.

Low self-esteem and jealousy

I hope you already know this, but just in case you don’t, or you need a reminder:

Sometimes, people will try to make you feel bad about the parts of you that they wish they had themselves.

It’s the classic: ‘if I can’t be like that/have that/do that’… then I’ll ruin it for everyone else’ situation. So, when people accuse you of being ‘too much’ or admonish you for asking too many questions; when they look down at your life choices, question your intentions, or shame you for your hobbies and interests, they’re essentially communicating the following:

“I hate that you have the confidence and freedom to live your life in a way that is authentic and enjoyable for you”

“I haven’t matured enough to understand that people live their lives differently and that there’s nothing wrong with that”.

Insecure people often see difference as a threat. The personal growth of others in comparison to their own (sometimes perceived) stagnation can make them resentful so in their minds, being critical of you and your choices will, they hope, force you to abandon any and all parts of yourself that make you positively stand out from the group (that group could be work, family, religion, friendship groups etc). Abusive partners, abusive parents, spiteful colleagues, or jealous friends are examples of some people who execute this type of behaviour.

In many cases, seeing other people unburdened by the opinions and/or expectations of others and still thriving can elicit jealousy in those who are not only constrained by fitting in at all costs, but who have had the same – or more – social and professional opportunities but have chosen to utilise them differently or not at all.

A restrictive upbringing

From a young age I was encouraged by both my mother and some teachers to ask questions if I didn’t understand something or if something felt a bit off. I was also taught not to limit myself in terms of interests and ideas. ‘How do you know you don’t like something if you’ve never tried it?’ ‘Why can’t you do X and Y?’ were common questions I was asked. This is why, before the age of 12 I’d taught myself how to play the recorder, attended tap dancing classes, and learned how to roller-skate at ‘Roller Express’ on weekends. It’s why I studied both Economics and drama at A-Level. It’s why I decided (randomly) to engage in a 6-week drama class as an adult a few years ago, and how, when I was an undergrad I somehow (I genuinely can’t remember how!) ended up handing out anti-fascist leaflets outside Brixton tube station with a bunch of random people I’d never met before and haven’t met since.

But some people don’t have such stories to tell. Perhaps they weren’t encouraged to try new things, engage in activities that make them happy or just be a little whimsical sometimes. Perhaps they didn’t have the privilege of being curious because they didn’t have a safety net to catch them if something went wrong (a loving, supportive family, good friends, a ‘plan B’ etc). Perhaps they were born into one of the many cultures that prioritise duty and ‘respectability’ over finding one’s own joy. Perhaps they lacked confidence in their ability to stray off the well-trodden path, even for a little while, to see what else is out there. And now, in adulthood, the idea of doing, learning or thinking anything outside the box that isn’t connected to a clear financial or social goal seems nonsensical.

Choices, choices

So, I guess at the end of the day, the choice is yours. You can supress your natural gifts and submit to fear, small mindedness, low self- esteem and jealousy for the sake of a more homogeneous existence at the expense of your happiness and growth. Or you can accept that you are who you’re meant to be, and just because that may not be everyone’s cup of tea, it doesn’t make your presence in the world any less valuable or necessary.